listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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