I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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