If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
