I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
