Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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