When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
When did angry sex become our thing?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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