Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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