the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
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I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
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ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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