I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
