Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just gargled with NyQuil
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
