Betty ford says i'm here all night
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
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You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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