You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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