your room smells of hookers.
And success
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
