Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
