Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
