Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
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I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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