I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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