a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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