so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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