Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
