see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
