It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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