Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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