Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
