Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
