i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
