I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
