you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
