don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
