i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
