I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
