ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize