i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
