Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
