Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
