I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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