So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
