Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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