Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
