bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
