no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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