Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
