i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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