so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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