That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
