Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
