being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
