Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
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Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
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I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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