Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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