He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
