i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
