Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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