You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
