yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
