he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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