I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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